As-Salamu'alykum.
It's 2016 already. I haven't been writing since a year plus?
yes, well I came back for a reason.
To let out what's been hiding in my mind and heart that I cannot let it out anywhere else.
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It all started few months ago when I started my Psychiatry posting. Not sure exactly which period but somewhere along the line.
#1
I cannot help from feeling that one of my housemates seems to dislike me for whatever reason that I never knew. I'm not sure if I'm being a bad friend. But I just had the feeling in my gut that she likes to ignore me. All my jokes were ignored, semua dihambarkan. She didn't even get excited to see me compared to my other housemates. Of course, I didn't ask. She acted naturally.
#2
Ever since Year 4, I've been placed in a group with one of my bestfriend, A (could be one-sided kind) and the other one, B was placed in another group. Somehow, another housemate of mine, C is also in the same group and she was in the same group as A last year and yeah they were close. C is what I called as someone who is of a higher standard of mine, the KL-people kind. And knowing B, she's more compatible with C. I'm sorry for being possessive to my 4 years of best friend, but I noticed that A's been too close with C despite I'm in the same group. I noticed that a lot of times A would follow C wherever she goes. And me? Well, I'll just walk alone at the back like nobody's business. This had been going on for quite sometime though A did return to me once in a while. Sometimes I thought that A was stuck with me just because we were bestfriends for 3 years. She should've been with C. I loved her too much to let go. And seeing her being overcompatible with C hurts me very much inside.
#3
I don't really let anyone know how I feel. I've been crying before sleep for so many times. I thought, nobody can see me when I'm weak. People said "It's okay not to be strong once in a while" well it was bullshit. I tried being vulnerable once and it never worked. People thought I was childish for crying over silly stuffs which was big for me actually. Nobody really cared the way I care for people. That's why I've been keeping stuffs and I probably gonna wait when I reach my limit. I don't even tell my family. Why? Cause I'll never win.
#4
One time I wanted to go for a vacation with A & B. It's been a while since I last went overseas. Previously we had a plan to go for Aussie and permission granted, except that B couldn't go due to financial reasons. So we canceled the plan. Now, we're planning to go to Korea and B got to go. So, A and me should have no problem. But then suddenly, mama tak bagi. Why? sebab da pernah pergi. It was weird she didn't let me go. So, it was terrible. Pujuk punya pujuk, pun tak dapat. Safety la pulak alasannya. Okay I understand, but I'm 22 already. My friends had been travelling by themselves and so far nobody got kidnapped. Okay, fine I try to accept. So I got into a sorrowful mood which needed time to recover. But somehow Mama got the wrong idea and accused me of choosing my friends over her which I NEVER INTENDED THAT WAY. Sumpah la haritu memang hurt gila gila when she argued with me in the whatsapp. She got really mad eventhough I replied in a very natural way. It was natural in the whatsapp but Allah knows how I broke down that day, dah la tengah dalam OT, nasib baik xde lecturer. I had to go in the bathroom so that no one hear me sobbing. Okay, why I wanted to go so badly? because they were the only good friends I had. Despite how awful I am, they've been really nice to me. They pulled me in when I thought I was left out, they called me in when I thought I was ignored. I've never loved friends the way i loved them. I treasure them as much as I treasure my family. They're like my family in medical school. I've been emotionally drained trying to figure out why my housemates been ignoring me (what I feel though they denied) I'm not good with people. I'm not good at keeping friends but they kept me and looked for me for 3 years. We're like the 3 musketeers, ask anyone in my batch and they'll say me, A and B are always together. So, you know how sad I was not being able to go? Nonetheless, I tried to accept sebab Mama yang tak bagi. But the way she accused my bestfriends to be selfish hurt me so much. She didn't even know what we've been through together. I know she meant good but don't say bad things about them. I don't like it as much as I don't like people say bad things about her. But I can never win. To her, I lebihkan kawan kawan dari dia, which is not true. If I were to lebihkan kawan, I wouldn't have agreed not to go. I've had to go through days where they're planning for the trip but I wasn't a part of it, asked by friends why I wasn't going. IT WASN'T FREAKING EASY. I EVEN HAD EXAMS COMING UP AND I WAS SO STRESSED WITH ALL SORTS OF THING GOING ON.
Do you see how much I've been through? I'm emotionally exhausted. I don't know how I can go on. I've been crying every day ever since. But no. Jann's a strong girl. She can live with it. Fuck no. For heaven's sake NO. I've been torturing myself day and day. I tried being weak but no, nobody lets me. It's childish, Jann. You cannot. You cannot do this sebab you jadi anak derhaka nanti. So, conclusion, my feelings never mattered? I'm not blaming Mama for this but at least hear me out without trying to win. I already agreed not to go, didn't I? I followed you, didn't I? But every night I cried, you didn't know. And when I accidentally blurted a bit of my feelings verbally, you got hurt. And I had to apologize. By nature, I should. But don't make it as if my feelings didn't matter. You didn't know how hurt I was to go through with this. Even while writing this , I'm overflowing with tears, my nose is congested and my throat hurts sebab nak tahan tak nak bunyi keluar. I'm grateful i've been given so many things. But there are times when there's something I really wanted. There are times when I didn't get what I want, but I'm okay with it. I just want them to see that this is not just a small matter. It's important to me. It's not about going to Korea. It's about that friendship.
And not just her. Even the people around me. If you don't like me then say it for God's sake.I didn't know what did I do wrong. Or maybe I didn't do enough to please your ass off. I'm not good at keeping people I just got along with but sure hell I keep those who'd been keeping me for years. And sometimes I felt 4 years isn't enough for a group of friends to be close with. Now I even question those who are around me. Are you really around? You can go if you want. If you want to go, just go. If you don't want to stick by me then say so, I can save my ass from trying to please yours. I can stop worrying about things I shouldn't be. I really thought that I now have bestfriends that I could count on during my lowest. But, I was wrong. Shit, I almost sacrificed most of my time trying to please you guys. Why won't you even do the same fucking thing to me? I'm sorry for being too kind to even think about pleasing you and sorry for being a jackass for wanting something in return. I guess I really doubted the meaning of true friendship now. It was never meant to happen to me. I'm too much to handle. I should probably stick around short then move on to another. Best friends had never existed in my diary. And if it happen any one of you guys read this, I'm sorry. If you're hurt by reading this, I'm sorry because I didn't feel the connection and I was too stupid to actually thought that you guys are my best friends. I realize, if you guys really are, I would've notice you guys actually sacrificed things for me the way I did to you both. I was happy back then but I guess that's just temporary. And in the end, I'm just your driver to places you wanted to go. I've always thought you could live without me and it's okay. Again, if you're hurt, know that I've hurt more. If you want to stay, better hope that I'll stick around too, I must be selfish but yeah I just need reassurance. To me, you guys were family but I'm pretty sure I wasn't to you. Okay maybe one of you cared more though. Thank you for that. But I guess, that may not be enough and again I'm sorry you had to know me.
It's sad really.
I'm not sure if anybody could have ever read this post.
If you happen to read this, feel free to judge. I don't care anymore.
It could be that I'm at fault and I didn't see it.
It's up to you.
I'm just writing to make myself better.
2016, it's a bad start but I hope to get better soon.
Back to the strong Jann, or maybe stone-cold, i don't know.
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