The problem of a 20-year-old cherie~

As-Salamualykum. . .

Post kali ini pasal apa pula, hmm? Feeling a bit curious now aren't we?
Well, stay tuned. It's just gonna be about me and what I've been feeling all awhile now.

Bila kenang-kenang balik,
Bila ingat-ingat balik,
The 'me' in the past and the present.
I often thought
"Aku bukanlah sebaik yang kau sangka. What you've expected of me might turn out something that you've never expect of me."
Too scared to admit my own weakness.

"Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you"

I asked myself which will be asked to you :
"If you witness my weaknesses and my secrets, will you not turn and look away?"
"Will you stay?"

I want to become a better person by hoping someone better will guide me.
But will this better person would want to accept this lowly species of human such as myself?
One who shows nothing of her weakness, not the worst part of it.
One who is so afraid to take risk on what the outcome would be.
One who longed someone who would accept her the way she is.

I'm almost 20 now and this turned out to be my fear.
Ah come on! Umur dah 20, kawan pon ramai dah kahwin and tunang and etc. ada yang da ade putera sulung dah ponn. Why not should I think about this?

Bukann nak kawen skrg pon =.= just that, having a moment to think of this suddenly triggered my emotions. Seriously, I may look all giddy and happy and all but what's inside of me is something the opposite. I'm afraid of the future that I might lose my way from the Almighty. When I die, will I go to Jannah? With the sins I've committed, I know I'm not suit to be in His Jannah.

"I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes"

Ya Allah. Astaghfirullah. Forgive this humble lowly servant of Yours and grant me a zauj that will accept my weakness and help to guide me to You, ya Rabbi.

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Maybe I shouldn't expect much from you. If I expect too much, I'll just hurt again like what happened before. I'll keep on praying to have someone who could bring out the better part of me.

Warning : Emotional Crap Up Ahead. Do not proceed if you hate rubbish talks.

As-Salamualykum.

Hmm. Now why is it that we can feel the pain in our hearts when we were hurt? Whilst all these emotions are non-visible. Now, why is it?

If there's a thing I really suck at is maintaining friendship. No, honestly it's true. I have no idea why my big mouth always acting so big and made it that way.
Bak kata orang, "weh mulut minah nih takda insurans."
Some would say, "naaah you won't hurt a fly".
Dude, please. You know NOTHING about me.

Then, when they kept on being nice to me, saying I'm this and that, and once I disappoint them by showing my true self unintentionally, I end up hurting myself as they walk away.

Ever felt that feeling before? Yeah, I'm having it now. Always had them, actually. It's not them I hate, it's me who never seems to stop the flow is what I hate the most.

And when this happens, Rascal Flatts' song will suddenly ring in my head :
"What hurts the most, is being so close.
And having so much to say. 
And watching you walk away"

Sometimes I thought "Sebab ni lah kau tak pernah ade kawan baik which lasts till now. Everyone's sick of your attitude. But you never seem to try and change" kind of thought. It hurts. And it's no use crying.

Again yeah, another emotional post is on. Kan dah cakap.
YOU.HAVE.BEEN.WARNED.

Haha.

Maybe that's all for today.

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#np Rascal Flatts - What Hurts The Most

Unexpected Comeback

Etto. . . As-Salamualykumm.

Ano. . . I've come back? Yes, that's it. I am back *cakap ala2 Arnold Susah-nak-eja* I'M BACKK.
"Okay, so kauu da balik, so what? Nak kene celebrate ke? Nak sediakan confetti?"
Ciss. Shut up. Meanie T^T

Well, let's say this again. Blog ini akan menjadi sebuah diary which is readable by all. So, like I said, A DIARY. So, meaning, it's mine, it's what I feel. Kalau rasa rasa tak appropriate, do let me know in a friendly manner, kadang2 tak sengaja terlepas taip lah kann. Al-maklum la, taip dengan penuh emosi, otak bercelaru whatnot lah kann.

So, as for today, maybe tak ade ape lah kot nak beremosi. Semalam tengah emo habis habisan tapi sebab malas nak bukak laptop punye pasal, hilang lah dikau dari pandangan. HAHA. Jann ade la jugak thought about writing a diary but uh, malas nak tulis. Takut memula je rajin, then lama lama say goodnight and goodbye lah kann sebab leceh kene tulis panjang panjang. Hehe~

Etto, I guess that's all for today. If you ever look forward to my rants and raves, *bows* I appreciate it very much, thank you. Tapi Jann bolehh la rasa it won't be long cause it'll be alllllll emotional posts bla bla bla like a grandma bebel cucu anak bising satu rumah.

Sore dake, have a nice day people. ^^
*waves*