The problem of a 20-year-old cherie~

As-Salamualykum. . .

Post kali ini pasal apa pula, hmm? Feeling a bit curious now aren't we?
Well, stay tuned. It's just gonna be about me and what I've been feeling all awhile now.

Bila kenang-kenang balik,
Bila ingat-ingat balik,
The 'me' in the past and the present.
I often thought
"Aku bukanlah sebaik yang kau sangka. What you've expected of me might turn out something that you've never expect of me."
Too scared to admit my own weakness.

"Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you"

I asked myself which will be asked to you :
"If you witness my weaknesses and my secrets, will you not turn and look away?"
"Will you stay?"

I want to become a better person by hoping someone better will guide me.
But will this better person would want to accept this lowly species of human such as myself?
One who shows nothing of her weakness, not the worst part of it.
One who is so afraid to take risk on what the outcome would be.
One who longed someone who would accept her the way she is.

I'm almost 20 now and this turned out to be my fear.
Ah come on! Umur dah 20, kawan pon ramai dah kahwin and tunang and etc. ada yang da ade putera sulung dah ponn. Why not should I think about this?

Bukann nak kawen skrg pon =.= just that, having a moment to think of this suddenly triggered my emotions. Seriously, I may look all giddy and happy and all but what's inside of me is something the opposite. I'm afraid of the future that I might lose my way from the Almighty. When I die, will I go to Jannah? With the sins I've committed, I know I'm not suit to be in His Jannah.

"I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes"

Ya Allah. Astaghfirullah. Forgive this humble lowly servant of Yours and grant me a zauj that will accept my weakness and help to guide me to You, ya Rabbi.

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Maybe I shouldn't expect much from you. If I expect too much, I'll just hurt again like what happened before. I'll keep on praying to have someone who could bring out the better part of me.